I Love Heros, My favourite TV Show


 Heroes creator Tim Kring looks into the past, present and future of this season’s hottest new show


By Cindy White
When Heroes first premiered last fall, it was well received by critics and audience members alike, but no one anticipated the level of popularity it’s achieved in just 12 episodes. Thanks in part to a brilliant marketing campaign incorporating the slogan “Save the cheerleader, save the world,” each new episode has become instant water-cooler material.

On Jan. 21, the show returned from hiatus with an episode featuring former Doctor Who star Christopher Eccleston as an invisible man. This week Eccleson’s Claude returns, along with another big-name guest star, George Takei, who will be playing the father of Masi Oka’s Hiro Nakamura in a number of episodes.

With a full second-season pickup already announced, Heroes creator and executive producer Tim Kring is going into the end of the season with the promise that the coming episodes will resolve one storyline while leading to another via a major cliffhanger in the season finale. Kring talked with SCI FI Weekly about making the show and what fans have to look forward to in the future.

Is it easier to write the next few episodes knowing that you’ve got a full 22-episode pickup for season two?

Kring: Because we’re right at the end of the season right now in terms of where we’re breaking, it is forcing these discussions about season two, and [what’s] been actually one of the really fun things about this kind of storytelling is it seems to want to generate ahead far enough so that you’re never really in that much trouble. It’s amazing. I was sort of panicked by the idea of having to take a break at the end of this season and go off and think about season two. And it’s just naturally starting to come up in the writers’ room. We’re putting stuff up on the board that, while I had big tentpole ideas of where I wanted it to go, the meat is actually getting filled out, and every day I look at that board and I smile, because it’s one less thing I have to think about on my hiatus.

Are you planning a big cliffhanger for the end of the season?

Kring: Yes. Yeah. I mean, it’s not necessarily a cliffhanger in terms of what has been set up so far storywise. It’s more of a cliffhanger as to the welfare and well-being of several of our characters.

Will it launch the arc of the second season?

Kring: Yes. Obviously it plays into where we kick off at the end of season two.

So there will be a resolution of the apocalyptic story?

Kring: Yes. Absolutely. That will be resolved in the first season.

There’s a rumor that someone will be killed this season. Not to give anything away, but is that something you can talk about?

Kring: No, I can confirm that.

Is it difficult for you to write someone out?

Kring: Oh, yeah. And obviously, we’ve skated a little bit around it, but the truth is, it’s out there as an issue. On a show like this, characters have to come and go, and that’s how you keep it fresh. Partially, or mainly, because for me, the main theory was that this is happening all over the world, and it’s happening to people even as we speak. And if we don’t get to meet those people, it’s no fun. And you want to meet those people. Also, for me, the origin story still continues to be the most fascinating part of the show.

The truth is, we’ve tried to make characters click enough with the audience so that you really feel emotional. And clearly we did this with the waitress, Charlie. … She hit really big, and people were very upset by the idea. But the truth is, that was done for a very conscious reason. We needed to drive home for the audience in a very sort of profound way that time travel was not the answer to everything. So we needed to make something that hit really emotionally, with a real emotional punch to drive that point home.

How long do you expect Sylar to continue as the main villain?

Kring: I love Zach Quinto, and I love what he’s doing for the show. And the truth is, I would like to continue and have him in the second season.

Is there a reason why he hasn’t been killed already?

Kring: They really want something from him. The organization that Jack Coleman’s character works for is on some sort of obvious research-oriented—as we call it—tag-and-release program. So there are things that they are gleaning by getting each one of these people. And remember, he is a character who seems to be exhibiting more than one power, which is intriguing to them as to how and why.

How much do the special effects complicate the production?

Kring: A lot. That’s why you don’t see a lot of it. We’re trying to make a show every week, and special effects, while they’re cheaper than they were even two years ago or six months ago and people are more efficient and faster, they still are difficult to do on a television schedule.

Is there a lot of CGI in the finale?

Kring: I think there’ll be a little bit more in the season finale than in a normal episode. Although we’ve got a couple of doozies coming up that feel like anybody else’s season finale. [Episodes] 17 and 20 are both huge.

Do you make use of the fact that you have Masi Oka in the cast, who also has experience in special effects?

Kring: We haven’t yet, but he has offered and we really want to take him up on letting him do a couple of special effects for us. And the truth is, it’s gotten to the point where guys could do things on laptops that used to take a mainframe to do. So Masi, I’m sure, could do some unbelievable stuff for us.

We’ve seen that Isaac’s paintings always come true. Are you saying that the future is predetermined? Or is there a possibility that they can change it?

Kring: As storytellers, we are locked into the idea that the future can be changed, given the right circumstances. It’s how those circumstances line up. And clearly, the “save the cheerleader, save the world” is going to have something to do [with that], when you look back at the end of the season. “‘Oh, I get it. That’s why they had to do that. I get it. It all makes sense.” So it’s been really fun to tell the story in that way, so that these payoffs several episodes later hit people with a real “Ah, I get it. That’s why we had to save the cheerleader.”

How do you feel about Heroes going international?

Kring: They are just absolutely over the moon for this show. And I think people really are feeling like the show has the ability to speak to people in very varied markets. I just feel like it was something that was very intentional. I set out to do something that I wanted to have a hopeful, healing kind of message for the world. And I wanted it to be something that felt global, that was happening everywhere. And because of the logistics of working in L.A., it is a bit centric to America and American actors and all of that. Next season, we are going to open it up even more to the idea of going international.

How did you come to cast Christopher Eccleston on the show?

Kring: I had seen his work. I’d seen him in Elizabeth, and I’d seen him in 28 Days Later, and I knew who he was. I wanted a British guy. I saw the character as a kind of Fagin character. I wanted a big sort of sloppy Brit with a working-class accent who is this curmudgeonly invisible guy. A real misanthrope. And so the casting people said, “Well, Christopher Eccleston is actually living here now, in America. He’s just moved here and is trying to get work here.” So it was one of those fortuitous things, where I was like, “I love that guy. Let’s go after him.” So by the time we finally had a part for him he was really a fan of the show and wanted to do it.

Seems like every show comes to a point where they start alienating fans. Are you worried about that?

Kring: These kinds of fans are very fickle. I mean, the real hardcore fans. So yes, you do worry about that. And again, the multiple storylines help that, because you can always counterbalance things. If you didn’t quite hit it out of the park on one story, another one will. And there are certainly cautionary tales. I mean, those of use who remember Twin Peaks going from the number one or two or three show on the network to four episodes later being canceled because of revealing who killed Laura Palmer … So that’s a cautionary tale for all of us.

You’ve said you were never a comic-book reader. So what inspired you to do a show about superheroes?

Kring: I didn’t know that it wasn’t available to outsiders at the time. And it was sort of shocking when there was that reaction from people who are real comic-book fans. I have small kids who, when you go to the movies in the summertime, it’s all you see. You’re surrounded by it. We live in a pop culture where it’s just dominating everything. DC and Marvel are making huge deals in Hollywood, and that’s all that anybody wants to see. So I live in that world, and I’m surrounded by it. I love the movie The Incredibles. But, really, it came out of the idea that I wanted to do a show about heroes and people that could possibly change the world. When I was thinking about my kids growing up in a world that was as complicated as it was without a lot of people to look up to, and just the normal doctor in a hospital or a cop—while those are wonderful heroes, they didn’t seem to be big enough to embody these larger issues, which led me towards the idea of superpowers.

Which hero do you identify with most?

Kring: I’d have to say Peter, the sort of dreamer. I was certainly a late bloomer and trying to figure out who I was and what the meaning of my life was. And so I definitely relate to that character. The empathy.

The creators of Lost just announced that they have the end of the show in mind. Are you also thinking about an end?

Kring: We don’t have an end date set. I just don’t feel like doing it.

So you’ll ride this as long as you can.

Kring: Obviously, you want to ride something as long as it’s creatively and artistically challenging and working for you. As soon as it becomes an albatross, then it’s terrible. There’s nothing worse than trying to breathe life into something that doesn’t want to have life in it. But you’re getting me obviously at a time when this is all still very new. And I right now can’t muster up enough negativity about where it’s going to end.




105 The One With the East German Laundry Detergent

[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]

Monica: Would you let it go? It’s not that big a deal.

Ross: Not that big a deal? It’s amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there’s one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I’m concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: We can? All right, I’m tryin’ that.

Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don’t get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.

(Long pause.)

Ross: Multiple orgasms!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]

Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!

Joey: No plans, huh?

Chandler: Not a one.

Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?

Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.

Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.

Chandler: No, I know, but it’s just so hard, you know? I mean, you’re sitting there with her, she has no idea what’s happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there’s the horrible awkward moment when you’ve handed her the note.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.

Phoebe: You know, if you want, I’ll do it with you.

Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she’d feel like we’re gangin’ up on her.

Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I’ll break up with Tony.

Ross: Tony?

Monica: Oh, you’re breaking up with Tony?

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he’s sweet, but it’s just not fun anymore, you know? I don’t know if it’s me, or his hunger strike, or, I don’t know.

Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?

Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I’m fine.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) What’s the matter? Why so scrunchy?

Rachel: It’s my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.

Ross: That guy, he burns me up.

Rachel: Yeah, well, it’s a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.

Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Monica: Did he give you that whole “You’re-not-up-to-this” thing again?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of “You’ll never make it on your own”.

Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

(Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)

Angela: Hi, Joey.

Joey: My god, Angela.

(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)

Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.

Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there?

Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don’t wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela.

Angela: (casually) Joey.

Joey: You look good.

Angela: That’s because I’m wearing a dress that accents my boobs.

Joey: You don’t say.

(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)

Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what’re you doing tonight?

Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.

Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who’s doing laundry there too?

Rachel: Who?

Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don’t, um, why don’t I just join you both, here?

Rachel: Don’t you have a laundry room in your building?

Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there’s a…. rat problem. Apparently they’re attracted to the dryer sheets, and they’re goin’ in fine, but they’re comin’ out all…. fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?

Rachel: Sure.

(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)

Angela: Forget it Joey. I’m with Bob now.

Joey: Bob? Who the hell’s Bob?

Angela: Bob is great. He’s smart, he’s sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob…

Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let’s just be friends, so guess what?

Joey: What?

Angela: We’re just friends.

Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don’t the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?

Angela: What four of us?

Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela’s boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.]

Joey: Monica, I’m tellin’ you, this guy is perfect for you.

Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Joey: Come on. This guy’s great. His name’s Bob. He’s Angela’s… brother. He’s smart, he’s sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is…

Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.

Joey: What?

Monica: Ugly Naked Guy’s laying kitchen tile. Eww!

Joey: Eww! Look, I’m asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.

Monica: What’s going on here? You go out with tons of girls.

Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?

[Scene: Ross’ apartment, Chandler is over.]

Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica’s not coming, it’s just gonna be me and Rachel.

Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you’ve thought this thing through?

Ross: It’s laundry. The thinking through is minimal.

Chandler: It’s just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You’re going on a date.

Ross: Nuh-uh.

Chandler: Yuh-huh.

Ross: So what’re you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?

Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she’s gonna see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?

Ross: (sheepish) No.

Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?

Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I’m a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.

Chandler: There you go.

[Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela’s brother.]

Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: Which?

Joey: Which what?

Monica: You’ve never met Bob, have you?

Joey: No, but he’s…

Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly…

(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)

Angela: Hey, Joey.

Monica: …horribly attractive. I’ll be shutting up now.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]

Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?

Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler: It’s great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

Phoebe: Eww, I don’t wanna do that.

(Janice and Phoebe’s boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)

Chandler: Here we go.

Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.

Chandler: Hey, Janice.

Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

Chandler: Hey, that’s not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?

Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping…(looks through her bags)… and I got you, I’m looking, I’m looking, I’m looking, I got you…

(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)

Chandler: What?

Janice: What?

Chandler: (covering) What… did you get me there?

Janice: I got you…these. (pulls out a pair of socks)

Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That’s so sweet.

Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

Chandler: That’s great.

(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)

Chandler: Well, I’m gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?

Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I’m still working on mine.

(Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.)

Chandler: That’s it?

Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.

Phoebe: Ok, you weren’t there.

[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel’s clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]

Woman: Comin’ through. Move, move.

Rachel: Oh, ‘scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.

Woman: Yeah, well, now you’re kinda not.

Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.

Woman: Oh, I’m sorry, is that your basket? It’s really pretty. Unfortunately, I don’t see suds.

Rachel: What?

Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?

(Ross arrives.)

Ross: What’s goin’ on?

Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.

Ross: Was your basket on top?

Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.

Ross: So?

Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.

Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That’s my friend’s machine.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn’t in it.

Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that’s not the rule and you know it.

(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)

Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show’s over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let’s do laundry.

Rachel: That was amazing. I can’t even send back soup.

Ross: Well, that’s because you’re such a sweet, gentle, uh…Do you, uh, do you…Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.

(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)

Rachel: What’s that?

Ross: Uberveiss. It’s new, it’s German, it’s extra-tough.

(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)

Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?

Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?

Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?

Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I’m a laundry virgin.

Ross: Uh, well, don’t worry, I’ll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.

Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?

Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]

Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys grow up?

Angela: Brooklyn Heights.

Bob: Cleveland.

Monica: How, how did that happen?

Joey: Oh my god.

Monica: What?

Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I’m not.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]

Joey: So, you and Angela, huh?

Bob: Yep. Pretty much.

Joey: You’re a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.

Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.

Bob: Monica, Monica is great.

Joey: Yeah, but it’s not gonna last. She’s too much for me in bed. Sexually.

[Scene: The ladies’ bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]

Monica: I’ve gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.

Angela: Yeah, isn’t he?

Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.

Angela: You know what else? He’s unbelievable in bed.

Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.

Angela: Huh. That’s nice.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]

Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It’s just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

(Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)

Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don’t think we should go out anymore. Janice.

Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

[Scene: The laundromat.]

Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn’t anything I can’t do.

Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it’s like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have. Next on Ross…(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.

Rachel: What uh-oh?

Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry’s done. It’s, uh, it’s a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry’s done, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Rachel: Ross, what’s the matter?

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry’s done.

Rachel: Come on, show me.

Ross: All right, all right, it’s just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything’s kinda pink.

Rachel: Oh, everything’s pink.

Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I’m sorry, please don’t be upset, it could happen to anyone.

Rachel: Except it didn’t. It happened to me. Oh, god, I’m gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father’s right. I can’t live on my own! I can’t even do laundry!

(The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)

[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob’s shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]

Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn’t get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I’m just thinking… how inappropriate this is. Um, I’ve got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?

(Her and Joey walk away from the table.)

Monica: Oh my god.

Joey: What?

Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It’s like… cocktails in Appalachia.

Joey: Come on, they’re close.

Monica: Close? She’s got her tongue in his ear.

Joey: Oh, like you’ve never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.

Monica: Joey, this is sick, it’s disgusting, it’s, it’s—not really true, is it?

Joey: Well, who’s to say what’s true? I mean…

Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?

Joey: All right, look, I’m not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.

Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh!

Joey: Ow!

Monica: (leaving) I’m outta here.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yeah. I’m thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

[Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob’s shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]

Monica: I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I did this, but I couldn’t stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)

Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]

Chandler: Here’s the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it’s like we’re different. I’m like the bing, bing, bing. You’re like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)… boom.

Janice: Ow!

Chandler: Oh, my god, I’m so sorry. Are you ok?

Janice: Ow. Um, it’s just my lens. It’s just my lens. I’ll be right back.

(She leaves.)

Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.

Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have you had?

Chandler: Oh, I don’t know, a million?

Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.

Chandler: I’m fine.

Phoebe: All right.

(Janice returns from the bathroom.)

Chandler: I’m not fine. Here she comes.

Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.

(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)

Chandler: How do you do that?

Phoebe: It’s like a gift.

Chandler: We should always always break up together.

Phoebe: Oh, I’d like that.

[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]

Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that’s the important part.

Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.

(The same woman walks over and takes Rachel’s laundry cart.)

Rachel: Whoa, I’m sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.

Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.

(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)

Rachel: I’m sorry, you know, maybe I wasn’t being clear. Uh, this is our cart.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren’t any clothes in it.

Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!

Woman: Let go!

(They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you’re gonna have to take me with it!

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?

Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I’m fine, I’m fine.

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: No.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]

Rachel: Oh, are you sure you’re ok?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Does it still hurt?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (seeing Rachel’s clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I’m gonna do this.

(Monica and Joey enter.)

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hey, how’d it go?

Joey: Excellent.

Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.

Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I’m fine by the way.

Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I’m sorry.

Rachel: Where’s Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.

(Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)

Chandler: I’m free! I’m free!

Phoebe: That oughta do it.




104 The One With George Stephanopoulos

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]

Monica: Alright. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest…And bigger boobs!

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you?

Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I’d.. make myself omnipotent forever.

Rachel: See, there’s always one guy. (Mocking) “If I had a wish, I’d wish for three more wishes.” (Joey enters.)

All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.

Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey: Probably kill myself!

Monica: ..Excuse me?

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey’s dead, then I got no reason to live!

Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.

Joey: You are? Ross, I’m sorry..

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe sleep.]

Monica: How does she do that?

Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.

Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! …Hi.

Ross: It’s okay, y’know, you just nodded off again.

Monica: What’s going on with you?

Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they’re both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they’re constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they’re having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!

Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Chandler and Joey enter.  Joey is counting his steps.)

Joey: …Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time.

Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here’s the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we’re taking you.

Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!

Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)

Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I’m guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn’t decide which one of you got to bring a date?

Chandler: Well, aren’t we Mr. “The glass is half empty.”

Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?

Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn’t remember.

Ross: Ohhh.

Joey: What’s wrong with the twentieth?

Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?

Ross: Today’s the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I’d better pass on the game. I think I’m just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

Joey: The hell with hockey, let’s all do that!

Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C’mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys’ night out, c’mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.

Joey: C’mon, Ross!

Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it’ll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?

Chandler: You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)

Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there’s my name! Hi, me!

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.

Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?

Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?

Rachel: God, isn’t this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally—(opens envelope)—not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that.

Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.

Joey: Oh, you’re fine, yeah, for a first job.

Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.

Monica: Yeah, yeah.

Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight.

All: Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel’s friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne.  The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)

Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?

Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.

Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I’ve seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.

Rachel: What are you guys doing here?

Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it’s true!

Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you’re in a play.

Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can’t believe it!

Leslie: I know. I know! I’m a duplex.

Rachel: (to Joanne) So what’s going on with you?

Joanne: Well, guess who my dad’s making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)

Kiki: And while we’re on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)

Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each other.]

Chandler: …Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)

Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there’s the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)

Chandler: We’ll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women’s shoes.

Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y’know. Fact, she, uh- she never took’em off, ’cause we-we- (off Chandler’s look) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on.  Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops and whines.)

Joey: What?

Ross: Peach pit.

Chandler: Yes, Bunny?

Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-

Joey: -Peaches?

Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically…

Chandler: (to Joey) Could’ve been a peach.

Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I… I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop… I’m fine.

Joey: Hey, that woman’s got an ass like Carol’s! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]

Rachel: So c’mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!

Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!

Joanne: Alright. Let’s talk reality for a second.

Rachel: Okay.

Joanne: When are you coming home?

Rachel: What? Guys, I’m not.

Joanne: C’mon, this is us.

Rachel: I’m not! This is what I’m doing now. I’ve got this job-

Kiki: Waitressing?

Rachel: Okay, I’m not just waitressing. I’m.. I, um… I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh… and I, uh… I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase… Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

Leslie: Well. Your mom didn’t tell us about the blobbies.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]

Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)

Rachel: What’s that?

Monica: Weeeell, it’s rum, and-

Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)

Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we’d have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister… (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can’t operate. But we can prep the guy!

Monica: Uh, Rach, it’s the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.

Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there’s been some unusual activity on your account.

Rachel: But I haven’t used my card in weeks!

Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you’re okay.

Rachel: They wanna know if I’m okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I’m okay, okay, let’s see. Well, let’s see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I’m getting coffee! And it’s not even for me! So if that sounds like I’m okay, okay, then you can tell them I’m okay, okay?

Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?

Rachel: Alright, c’mon! (Miserably) Let’s play Twister!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.]

Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry… Uh-oh.

Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?

Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we’re not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night… It was the first frost…

Joey: C’mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, they’re all hanging out in the living room.]

Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You’re doing this amazing independence thing!

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?

Phoebe: You are just like Jack.

Rachel: …Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica: Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn’t love him-

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y’know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything’s just kinda like…

Phoebe: Floopy?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: So what, you’re not the only one. I mean, half the time we don’t know where we’re going. You’ve just gotta figure at some point it’s all gonna come together, and it’s just gonna be… un-floopy.

Phoebe: Oh, like that’s a word.

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn’t come together?

Monica: …Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh, well… ’cause…. you just… I don’t like this question.

Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don’t get magic beans? I mean, what if all we’ve got are.. beans?

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]

Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!

Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that’s all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.

Ross: Pass it! Pass it!

Chandler: He’s open!

All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face.  Chandler looks concered until he notices…)

Chandler: Hey, look, we’re on that TV thing!

(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading Ross in.]

Chandler: (to the receptionist)’Scuse me.

Receptionist: (holds up her hand—she is on the phone) It says to call this number if you’re not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I’m not completely satisfied.

Chandler: Listen, it’s kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we’d be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)

Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)

Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don’t wanna make any trouble, okay, but I’m in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.

Receptionist: Well, you’ll have to wait your turn.

Joey: Well, how long do you think it’ll be?

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.

Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys back off) Heyy…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the slumber party continues.]

Rachel: I’m so sorry, you guys. I didn’t mean to bring you down.

Monica: No, you were right. I don’t have a plan. (There’s a knock on the door.)

Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!

Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the door.)

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Do you have a plan?

Phoebe: I don’t even have a ‘pl’.

Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?

Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that’s not what we ordered… We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.

Pizza Guy: Wait, you’re not ‘G.Stephanopoulos?’ Man, my dad’s gonna kill me!

Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say ‘G.Stephanopoulos?’

Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!

Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?

Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?

Phoebe: And-and a power tie?

Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.

Monica: (staggered) Oh God.

Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back?

Monica: Are you nuts?! We’ve got George Stephanopoulos’ pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who’s George Snuffalopagus?

Phoebe: Big Bird’s friend.

Monica: I see pizza!

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)

Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?

Monica: White House adviser? Clinton’s campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?

Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!

Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.

Monica: Please tell me it’s his mother.

Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.

Monica: Oh, no…

Phoebe: Oh, wait, she’s walking across the floor.. she’s walking.. she’s walking.. she’s going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that’s not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads.  Chandler realises it’s getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]

Chandler: Excuse me, look, we’ve been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who’s he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c’mon Dora, don’t be mad… I know we both said some things we didn’t mean, but that doesn’t mean we still don’t love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y’know, I feel like I’ve lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the girls are all out on the balcony.]

Monica: Light still out?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh. Maybe they’re- napping.

Rachel: Oh please, they’re having sex.

Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!

Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like?

Monica: I think he’s shy.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he’s a preppy animal.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]

Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.

Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?

Joey: He’s right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.

Ross: Look, it’s just a little more complicated…

Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?

Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there’s a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn’t quite hear you…

Chandler: Then what?

Ross: My first time with Carol was… (He mumbles the last part)

Joey: What?

Ross: It was my first time.

Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.

Chandler: So in your whole life, you’ve only been with one—(He gets a look too)—oh.

Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could’ve done tonight!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the girls are still out on the balcony.]

Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable…ha haaaah!

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don’t feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?

Phoebe: You’d already broken up.

Rachel: How long?

Phoebe: A couple hours.

Monica: Oh, that’s nice!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.

Monica: Excuse me?!

Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.

Monica: Really. Well, at least ‘big girls’ don’t pee in their pants in seventh grade!

Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble)

Phoebe: There he is! There he is!

Monica: Where?

Phoebe: Right- where we’ve been looking all night!

Rachel: He is so cute!

Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!

All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the—(pause)—wowww.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]

Joey: Man. Can you believe he’s only had sex with one woman?

Chandler: I think it’s great. Y’know, it’s sweet, it’s romantic…

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy’s a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)

Both: Hey, buddy.

Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose.  He tosses some forms onto reception desk.)

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that’s attractive.

Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.

Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where’s my puck?

Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.

Ross: The kid…? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that’s, that’s my puck.

Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)

Chandler: You gotta do it, man.

Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever—(to Chandler)—can’t do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.

Kid: No.

Ross: ‘Yes’, how about. C’mere. Gimme!

Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.)

Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!

Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)

Ross: …Now that was fun.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]

Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.

Monica: Could’ve played Monopoly, but nooooo.

(There’s a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)

Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)

Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively)

(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)

Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it’s the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?

Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven’t been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I’m okay, really.

Ross: Green. To the green.

Rachel: (on phone) I’ve got magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind.

Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)

Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh… I’m fine.




103 The One With the Thumb

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!

All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how’d it go?

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said ‘We should do this again!’

All: Ohh. Ouch.

Rachel: What? He said ‘we should do it again’, that’s good, right?

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated ‘We should do this again’ means ‘You will never see me naked’.

Rachel: Since when?

Joey: Since always. It’s like dating language. Y’know, like ‘It’s not you’ means ‘It is you’.

Chandler: Or ‘You’re such a nice guy’ means ‘I’m gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you’.

Phoebe: Or, or, y’know, um, ‘I think we should see other people’ means ‘Ha, ha, I already am’.

Rachel: And everybody knows this?

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s like when you’re a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

Ross: That’s funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

Monica: Uh, Ross.

Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners’ farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- …..Oh my God, Chi Chi!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]

Chandler: “So how does it feel knowing you’re about to die?”

Joey: “Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you’ll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.”

Chandler: Hey, that was really good!

Joey: Thanks! Let’s keep going.

Chandler: Okay. “So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?”

Joey: “I just wanna go back to my cell. ‘Cause in my cell, I can smoke.”

Chandler: “Smoke away.”

(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  He fumbles and drops the lighter.  Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)

Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Relax your hand!

(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)

Chandler: Not so much!

Joey: Whoah!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.

(Joey tries and visibly winces.)

Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

Chandler: It’s fine, it’s fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)

Chandler: Don’t think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that’s been missing from your hand. When you’re holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

Joey: Y’miss it?

Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)

[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.]

Monica: No, no, no. They say it’s the same as the distance from the tip of a guy’s thumb to the tip of his index finger.

(The guys stretch out their fingers.)

Joey: That’s ridiculous!

Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?

Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don’t tell me, don’t tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I’m getting pretty good at this!

All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!

(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters.  She sits down without saying hi.)

Joey: Y’okay, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah- no- I’m just- it’s, I haven’t worked- It’s my bank.

Monica: What did they do to you?

Phoebe: It’s nothing, it’s just- Okay. I’m going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

Ross: Easy.

Phoebe: – and there’s five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler: Oh, Satan’s minions at work again…

Phoebe: Yes, ’cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe: It’s not mine, I didn’t earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let’s say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I’d hear, with every step I took? ‘Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.’ And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- ‘Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine’…

Monica: We’re with you. We got it.

(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)

Phoebe: Okay. I’d- just- I’d never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.

Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?

(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)

All: Oh! Oh, God!

Ross: What is this?!

Chandler: I’m smoking. I’m smoking, I’m smoking.

Phoebe: Oh, I can’t believe you! You’ve been so good, for three years!

Chandler: And this- is my reward!

Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

Chandler: Okay, so this time I won’t quit!

All: Ohhh! Put it out!

Chandler: All right! I’m putting it out, I’m putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe’s coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can’t drink this now!

Monica: Alright. I’m gonna go change, I’ve got a date.

Rachel: This Alan again? How’s it goin’?

Monica: ‘S’going pretty good, y’know? It’s nice, and, we’re having fun.

Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?

Monica: Let’s see, today’s Monday… Never.

All: Oh, come on! Come on!

Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.

Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.

Monica: Look, I don’t even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.

Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?

Monica: Nope. Schhorry.

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]

Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they’re all over him. I mean, they’re like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.

Paula: Listen. As someone who’s seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I’ll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they’re your friends, they’re just looking out after you.

Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I’d bring a guy home that they actually liked.

Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]

Joey: Let it go, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, well, you didn’t know Chi Chi.

Monica: Do you all promise?

All: Yeah! We promise! We’ll be good!

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

(Chandler makes a ‘Cross my heart’ sign.  It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)

Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)

(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)

Ross: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: ‘Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you’ll accept this- (Searches in her purse) –football phone as our free gift.’ Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!

Rachel: What bank is this?

(The intercom buzzes.)

Monica: Hey. It’s him. (On the intercom) Who is it?

Alan: (on the intercom) It’s Alan.

Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He’s here!

(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)

Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.

(She opens the door and Alan enters.)

Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

Alan: Hi.

All: Hi, Alan.

Alan: I’ve heard schho much about all you guyschh!

(Everyone laughs.)

[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]

Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I’ll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let’s let the Alan-bashing begin. Who’s gonna take the first shot, hmm?


Monica: C’mon!

Ross: …I’ll go. Let’s start with the way he kept picking at- no, I’m sorry, I can’t do this, can’t do this. We loved him.

All: Loved him! Yeah! He’s great!

Monica: Wait a minute! We’re talking about someone that I’m going out with?

All: Yeah!

Rachel: And did you notice…? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)

The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.

Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

Ross: …What shoe?

Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. ‘There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a… while…’

(Dubious pause.)

Ross: …So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y’know, it.

Monica: Really!

Chandler: Oh, yeah. I’d marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I’m gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)

Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?

All: What?

Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.

All: Yeah…

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.]

Monica: Hi.. how was the game?

Ross: Well..

All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

Joey: Alan.

Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-…

Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..

Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D’you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..

Ross: What?

Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?

Rachel: Well, no. That’s impossible. You can never be too Alan.

Ross: Yeah, it’s his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.

Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.]

Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.

Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.

Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.

Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?

Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. ‘Cause, y’know, “sometimes y”. Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)

Lizzie: Saltines?

Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?

Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there’s really money in here.

Phoebe: I know.

Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?

Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don’t want it.

Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.

Phoebe: Oh, that’s fine, no.

Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat?

Phoebe: No. ‘Cause you need that. No, it’s okay, thanks.

Lizzie: Please, let me do something.

Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we’re even. Okay?

Lizzie: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

[Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray.  He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.   While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]

Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don’t wanna pretzel?

Phoebe: No, I’m fine.

Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.

(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)

Phoebe: Huh!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]

Ross: A thumb?!

(Phoebe nods.)

All: Eww!

Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

Chandler: Well, maybe it’s a contest, y’know? Like, collect all five?

Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see?

All: Nooo!

(Chandler lights a cigarette.)

All: Oh, hey, don’t do that! Cut it out!

Rachel: It’s worse than the thumb!

Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!

Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?

Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey’s constant knuckle-cracking isn’t annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? …I accept all those flaws, why can’t you accept me for this?

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Joey: …Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?

Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.

Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?

(Phoebe spits out her hair.)

Ross: Oh, now, don’t listen to him, Pheebs, I think it’s endearing.

Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) “you do, do you”?

(Monica laughs and snorts.)

Ross: You know, there’s nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

Rachel: “Indeed there isn’t”… I should really get back to work.

Phoebe: Yeah, ’cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]

Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?

Paula: No.

Monica: Okay.. Well, I’m going out with a guy my friends all really like.

Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!

Monica: Can you believe it? …Y’know what? I just don’t feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don’t feel the thing.

Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that’s how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!

Monica: I know.. it’s gonna be really hard.

Paula: Well, he’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.

Monica: No, he’ll be fine. It’s the other five I’m worried about.

[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]

Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?

Ross: Don’t you realise what you’re-you’re doing to yourself?

Chandler: Hey, y’know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It’s Alan, he wants to speak to you.

Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what’s up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it’s not that big- ..well, that’s true,.. Gee, y’know, no-one- no-one’s ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)

Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he’s good.

Ross: If only he were a woman.

Rachel: Yeah.

(They give each other a dubious look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.]

Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it’d be talking too.

Ross: Okay. I think it’s time to change somebody’s nicotine patch. (Does so.)

Monica: (entering) Hey. Where’s Joey?

Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

Rachel: I think he’s across the hall.

Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)

Ross: (finishing changing Chandler’s nicotine patch) There y’go.

Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I’m alive with pleasure now.

Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?

Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

Ross: Hey, I might!

Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y’know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.

All: You’re kidding. Oh my God.

Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. …What is up with the universe?!

Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What’s going on?

Monica: Nothing. I just think it’s nice when we’re all here together.

Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..

Rachel: Uh, Joey..

Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)

Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..

All: Oh! That was Lambchop!

Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk.

Phoebe: Wait, wait, I’m getting a deja vu…no, I’m not.

Monica: Alright, we have to talk.

Phoebe: There it is!

Monica: Okay. It’s-it’s about Alan. There’s something that you should know. I mean, there’s really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I’ve decided to break up with Alan.

(They all gasp and clutch each other.)

Ross: Is there somebody else?

Monica: No, nononono.. it’s just.. things change. People change.

Rachel: We didn’t change..

Joey: So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that?

Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)

Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-

Joey: Okay!

Monica: -but that wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Alan- It wouldn’t be fair to you!

Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y’know, I just want things back. Y’know, the way they were.

Monica: I’m sorry..

Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she’s sorry! I feel better!

Rachel: (tearful) I just can’t believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

Monica: I’ll meet somone else. There’ll be other Alans.

All: Oh, yeah! Right!

Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?

Ross: Hey hey, we’ll be fine. We’re just gonna need a little time.

Monica: (dubious) I understand.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]

Alan: Wow.

Monica: I’m, I’m really sorry.

Alan: Yeah, I’m sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.

Monica: Relieved?

Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can’t stand your friends.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream.]

Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.

Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking.

Monica: (entering) Hi.

All: Mmm.

Ross: So how’d it go?

Monica: Oh, y’know..

Phoebe: Did he mention us?

Monica: He said he’s really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)

Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c’mere. (She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.)

Chandler: …That’s it. I’m getting cigarettes.

All: No no no!

Chandler: (leaving) I don’t care, I don’t care! Game’s over! I’m weak! I’ve gotta smoke! I’ve gotta have the smoke!

Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I’ll give you seven thousand dollars!

Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.



102 The One With the Sonogram at the End

[Scene Central Perk, everyone’s there.]

Monica: What you guys don’t understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

Joey: Yeah, right!…….Y’serious?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah!

Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

Monica: Absolutely.

Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y’know? I mean it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and-and it’s not that we don’t like the comedian, it’s that-that… that’s not why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert’s over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y’know? I mean, we’re in the car, we’re fighting traffic… basically just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you’re gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey: (pause)….Are we still talking about sex?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]

Ross: No, it’s good, it is good, it’s just that- mm- doesn’t she seem a little angry?

Marsha: Well, she has issues.

Ross: Does she.

Marsha: He’s out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!

Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like ‘Gee, that glacier’s getting kinda close.’ See?

Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn’t that your ex-wife?

(Carol, Ross’s ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)

Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No.

Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!

Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I’ll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.

(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)


Carol: So.

Ross: You look great. I, uh… I hate that.

Carol: Sorry. You look good too.

Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who… stands erect… So what’s new? Still, uh…

Carol: A lesbian?

Ross: Well… you never know. How’s, um.. how’s the family?

Carol: Marty’s still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-

Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?

Carol: I’m pregnant.

Ross: Pregnant?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three’s Company.]

Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three’s Company where there’s some kind of misunderstanding.

Phoebe:…Then I’ve already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)

Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that?

Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.

Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?!

Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn’t need it, so I balled it up and… (sees that Monica is glaring at him) …now I wish I was dead.

(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)

Phoebe: She’s already fluffed that pillow… Monica, you know, you’ve already fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it’s fine!

Monica: Look , I’m sorry, guys, I just don’t wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have.

Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child’s pillow.

Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you’re scaring me. I mean, you’re like, you’re like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.

Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don’t see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.

Monica: That’s because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y’see, he’s the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.

Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!

All: Eeaagh!

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s beautiful.

Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God…. (Starts to look under the couch cushions.)

Phoebe: No, look, don’t touch that!

Rachel: Oh, like I wasn’t dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him… ‘Hi Barry! Remember me? I’m the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!’ Oh God and now I’m gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder…

Monica: Easy Rach, we’ll find it. (To all) Won’t we!

Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!

Joey: Alright, when’d’ya have it on last?

Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!

Chandler: You don’t get a lot of ‘doy’ these days…

Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with…

Chandler: …Dinah?

Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don’t be mad…

Monica: You didn’t.

Rachel: Oh, I am sorry…

Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.)

Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!

Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that’s not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne…

Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just… can’t do it.

Chandler: Boys? We’re going in.

(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there’s a knock on the door which Monica answers.)

Ross: (standing outside the door)…..Hi.

Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.

Ross: Carol’s pregnant.

Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!

Monica: W-w-wh-… wha-… w-w-w-…

Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.)

Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?

Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?

Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I’m not comfortable with it, I don’t have to be involved.. basically it’s entirely up to me.

Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her.

Monica: What does she mean by ‘involved’?

Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.

Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow.

Rachel: So what are you gonna do?

Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I’m still gonna be a father.

(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)

Joey: …..Well, this is still ruined, right?

[Scene, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their parents.]

Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin’s daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What’s that curry taste?

Monica: Curry.

Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!

Ross: I- I think they’re great! I, I really do.

Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn’t she?

Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.

Ross: Aw, Mom…

Monica: I’m sorry, why is this girl going to call me?

Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or…. I don’t know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-

Monica: No Mom, I don’t have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.

Mrs. Geller: Well, they don’t have to know that… (She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)

Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?

Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)

Mrs. Geller: Oh, we’re having spaghetti! That’s…. easy.

Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.

[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]

Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life…. We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well.

Mr. Geller: I’m not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding… but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!

Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar…

Monica: What’s that supposed to mean?

Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It’s an expression.

Monica: No it’s not.

Mr. Geller: Don’t listen to your mother. You’re independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid… and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles…

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I’m telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: …And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God ‘Our Little Harmonica’ doesn’t seem to have that problem.

Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what’s going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?

Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here’s the deal. Carol’s a lesbian. She’s living with a woman named Susan. She’s pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

(Stunned silence ensues.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Park, everyone’s there.]

Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?

Ross: Well, y’know, these people are pros. They know what they’re doing, they take their time, they get the job done.

Monica: Boy, I know they say you can’t change your parents,… boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I’d want yours.

Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.)

Phoebe: Y’know, it’s even worse when you’re twins.

Rachel: You’re twins?

Phoebe: Yeah. We don’t speak. She’s like this high-powered, driven career type.

Chandler: What does she do?

Phoebe: She’s a waitress.

Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leave.)

Monica: Chandler, you’re an only child, right? You don’t have any of this.

Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who… my parents actually preferred.

Rachel: The lights, please..

(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up.  Ross enters from the bathroom.)

Ross: …How long was I in there?

Rachel: I’m just cleaning up.

Ross: D’ya.. uh.. d’ya need any help?

Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.)

Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?

Rachel: Oh.. a little..

Ross: Mm-hmm..

Rachel: A lot.

Ross: Mm.

Rachel: So, got any advice? Y’know, as someone who’s recently been- dumped?

Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word ‘dumped’. Chances are he’s gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y’know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it’ll be hard. Or, y’know, uh, hey!, I’ll go down there, and I’ll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN…

Rachel: Oh, you’ve got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?

Ross: Got me.

Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: I mean, didn’t you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that’d be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?

Ross: Yes, yes!

Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I’d be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.)

Ross: Me either… (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn’t have to move his hand.)

[Scene: Carol’s OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]

Ross: (entering) Sorry I’m late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.

(Susan enters holding a drink.)

Susan: Hi.

Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.

Ross: How could I forget?

Susan: Ross.

Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we’re just waiting for…?

Carol: Dr. Oberman.

Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-

Susan: She.

Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?

Carol: Yes, and she’s very supportive.

Ross: Okay, that’s great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I’m- Oh. 

Carol: Thanks.

Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack..

Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)

[Scene Barry’s office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Barry?

Barry: C’mon in.

Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?

Barry: Yeah! It’s fine, it’s fine. Robbie’s gonna be here for hours.

Robbie: Huh?!

Barry: So, how ya doin?

Rachel: I’m- uh- I’m okay… You look great!

Barry: Yeah, well..

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein’s gagging.

Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.

(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)

Rachel: I dumped him.

Robbie: Okay.

[Scene: Carol’s OB/GYN, they’re talking about how this is going to work.]

Ross: So, um- so how’s this, uh, how’s this gonna work? Y’know, with us? Y’know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?

Carol: Give me a ‘for instance’.

Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don’t know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby’s name?

Carol: Marlon-

Ross: Marlon?!

Carol: -if it’s a boy, Minnie if it’s a girl.

Ross: …As in Mouse?

Carol: As in my grandmother.

Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?

Carol: Julia..

Susan: We agreed on Minnie.

Ross: ‘S’funny, um, uh, we agreed we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia’s on the table..?

[Scene: Barry’s office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry’s lamp as Barry enters.]

Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?

Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.

Barry: Oh, that’s great.

Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?

Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.

Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?

Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.

Robbie: Me?!

Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.

Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!

Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we’re kind of a thing now.

Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You’ve got plugs!

Barry: Careful! They haven’t quite taken yet.

Rachel: And you’ve got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!

Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.

Rachel: Okay..

Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I’ve ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I’m an orthodontist.

Rachel: Wow.

Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren’t happy. But with Mindy, now I’m happy. Spit.

Rachel: What?

Robbie: Me. (Spits.)

Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.

Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.

(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)

Robbie: Hello?!

[Scene: Carol’s OB/GYN, they’re still arguing about what to name the baby.]

Susan: Oh, please! What’s wrong with Helen?

Ross: Helen Geller? I don’t think so.

Carol: Hello? It’s not gonna be Helen Geller.

Ross: Thank you!

Carol: No, I mean it’s not Geller.

Ross: What, it’s gonna be Helen Willick?

Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.

Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?

Susan: It’s my baby too.

Ross: Oh, ‘s’funny, really? Um, I don’t remember you making any sperm.

Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!

Carol: All right, you two, stop it!

Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I’m in there too.

Carol: Ross. You’re not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? ‘Cause I think that borders on child abuse.

Ross: Of course not, I’m… suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.

Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he’s doing? He knows no-one’s gonna say all those names, so they’ll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!

Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y’know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I’m not, I can’t do-

Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?

All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.

Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..

Ross: You- uh- y’know what, I’m gonna go. I don’t- I don’t think I can be involved in this particular thing right now.

(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear.  He returns and stares at it.)

Ross: Oh my God.

Susan: Look at that.

Carol: I know.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram.   Rachel is on the phone.]

Ross: Well? Isn’t that amazing?

Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?

Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it’s about to attack the Enterprise.

Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.

Ross: Then don’t do that, alright?

Phoebe: Okay!

Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think?

Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.

Ross: Wh- are you welling up?

Monica: No.

Ross: You are, you’re welling up.

Monica: Am not!

Ross: You’re gonna be an aunt.

Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!

Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it’s Rachel. Yeah, I’m fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it’s okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y’know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.